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By Steph, July 22, 2011 6:09 pm

I was recently notified of an upcoming live health chat being sponsored by the Chicago Tribune.   The next health chat will be on Tuesday, July 25, 2011, Noon Central Time.  The topic is one of great interest to me and my readers – staying out of the nursing home.  Here’s the link for this chat: http://www.chicagotribune.com/health/ct-health-chat-nursing-home,0,1900845.htmlstory.

This topic couldn’t be more timely in our family.  We have had several health issues to deal with regarding my mother-in-law recently.  We are desparately trying to keep her out of a nursing home.   In May we started having a home  health aid come to see her a few times a week.   She is helping my mother-in-law with light chores, making sure she has meals and assisting her with bathing.  It’s been quite a struggle (my mother-in-law is extremely resistant to any help), but it’s at least helping us keep her at home as long as possible.   I will post more details about this situation in an upcoming post.

Enjoy the chat – I’ll be there!

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By Steph, July 3, 2011 11:33 am

I read this interesting article, courtesy of Yahoo Health and AP (Associated Press).  It talks about “Pre-Alzheimer’s Disease” and what the guidelines are for the disease.  Very interesting read, in my opinion, especially after I read it, I realized we did miss some of the early signs of my father-in-law’s Alzheimer’s Disease.

The article is found below:

The first new guidelines for diagnosing Alzheimer’s Disease in nearly 30 years establish earlier stages of the mind-robbing disease, paving the way for spotting and possibly treating these conditions much sooner than they are now.

The change reflects a modern view that Alzheimer’s is a spectrum of mental decline, with damage that can start many years before symptoms appear. The new guidance describes three phases: early brain changes, mild cognitive impairment and full-blown Alzheimer’s.

Yet the guidelines do not advise doctors to change how they evaluate and treat patients now. Despite the hoopla about new brain scans and blood and spinal fluid tests that claim to show early signs of Alzheimer’s, they are not ready for prime time and should remain just tools for research, the guidelines say.

“It’s too soon right now” to say these experimental biomarker tests will prove valid enough to be used in ordinary patient care, said Creighton Phelps, Alzheimer’s program chief at the National Institute on Aging.

His institute and the Alzheimer’s Association convened several expert panels to write the guidelines, the first since 1984. They are being published Tuesday in Alzheimer’s & Dementia: The Journal of the Alzheimer’s Association.

About 5.4 million Americans and more than 26 million people worldwide have Alzheimer’s, the most common form of dementia.

“It’s likely there are at least as many people with mild cognitive impairment as with Alzheimer’s disease and maybe more,” said William Thies, the Alzheimer’s Association scientific director.

Even before this mild cognitive impairment shows up, brain changes such as a buildup of sticky plaque or protein tangles inside nerves can suggest trouble ahead.

Marilyn Albert, a Johns Hopkins University researcher who led the mild cognitive impairment panel, described this category as “people who have mild, progressive symptoms, changes in mental abilities, usually memory but not always memory” that stop short of full-blown dementia.

In doctors’ offices around the country, “people are coming in with much milder symptoms,” and many but not all will go on to develop Alzheimer’s, she said.

How can doctors tell what’s going on?

First, they try to determine how fast symptoms are progressing, and do tests to rule out an obvious cause such as a stroke or a new medication. If symptoms are gradual and progressive, doctors would likely diagnose mild cognitive impairment due to Alzheimer’s. But they wouldn’t know for sure without additional tests like the experimental biomarker and imaging scans rapidly being developed and researched, Albert said.

One company has asked for government approval of a new type of brain scan it claims shows early signs of Alzheimer’s. Other companies are working on tests for substances in blood and spinal fluid. The guidelines say these are helpful for sorting people into clinical trials or monitoring the effects of experimental drugs, but not for routine use in clinics and doctor’s offices.

Dr. Clifford Jack, a Mayo Clinic brain imaging specialist involved in the guidelines, explained why.

Unlike blood pressure tests that give fairly consistent readings regardless of what type of machine is used, the new biomarker tests are not yet standardized from one lab or location to the next, he said. There are no agreed-upon cutoffs or levels for how much of a substance indicates impairment or Alzheimer’s. There’s not even enough research to validate that a particular substance or biomarker truly predicts progression of disease, he said.

A bigger problem is what to do after impairment or dementia has been diagnosed. Current treatments do not alter the course of Alzheimer’s, they just ease symptoms. Many doctors believe drugs are being given too late, after symptoms are severe, so researchers more recently have started testing some in people with mild cognitive impairment.

“If you’re only going to try them in people with advanced dementia, the chance of them working is not going to be that great,” said Dr. Guy McKhann of Johns Hopkins University, who headed one of the guideline panels.

Early diagnosis is a first step, and something the Alzheimer’s Association has long advocated, Thies said.

“It allows people to anticipate what’s going to happen in the future and plan their lives in ways to minimize the impact,” he said. “People with the disease and their families cope better with their disease” if they know what to expect.

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By Steph, May 6, 2011 10:42 am

One of the worst things that happens when you are dealing with elderly parents with memory issues is when they turn the corner and they no longer remember you.  It’s especially difficult when you are this person’s caregiver.

This happened to us recently when my mother-in-law was very confused and after several “quiz” questions she was given (e.g., asking her how many children she has, etc.), she actually said to my husband “I’m not your mother, am I?”  That was a tough blow, especially when he and I are there with her all the time.  But, it doesn’t matter how often you see someone, when their mind starts to deteriorate, there is often no turning back.

In many ways, it’s like grieving the death of a parent.  It’s almost as upsetting as when a parent passes away, but different.   Once they don’t know who you are, and they are truly another person, who may or may not be able to communicate with you, it’s like you don’t have that parent any longer.   In some ways, it gives you more time to accept the inevitable.

When this happens to you or someone you know, be sure to reach out to others, including friends or relatives that may have experienced the same thing.  It helps to talk and vent to others, especially when you can discuss with another person that has been through it before.

Below are some helpful coping resources you may find useful:

• The Alzheimer’s Association
• Coping with Alzheimer’s

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By Steph, March 27, 2011 4:46 pm

One of the most difficult things we’ve had to deal with in caring for our elderly parents is explaining illness, death and loss to our daughter.  Losing a loved one is difficult in itself, very difficult even for adults, but it’s typically more challenging for children.

Our daughter was only 4 years old when she lost her first grandparent - my father.  It was a very emotional and stressful time for our entire family.  Since my father was ill and we knew his passing would be coming, my husband and I had several conversations with her and explained (as best we could) what was happening.  She also knew that there was something different going on – I was away a lot helping care for him, visiting him at hospitals or the nursing home and taking him to doctor’s appointments.  And, she knew, even without me saying anything, that I was sad about my father’s illness (he had lung cancer).

When we knew my father’s loss was iminent, I had a more detailed conversation with my daughter and tried to explain what happens (in a child-friendly way), what happens when a person passes away, what a funeral is all about, how he will have a gravestone at the cemetary, etc.  We also explained that when people are ill, they don’t always pass away, many recover and are well again (we didn’t want her to think that if someone is sick, they will always pass away).  When we talked about the cemetary specifically, she asked if she could leave flowers at Grandpa’s grave, I told her that she could and he would really appreciate that.

The morning after my father passed away, I felt I couldn’t break the news to our daughter, so my husband told her the news.  She handled it fairly well and she consoled me and was there to support ME!  Something I didn’t expect from my 4-year-old!   She was dealing with his passing in a healthy way, which was good, and talking about it when it upset her. In the days/weeks after his passing, she cried, we talked about Grandpa and we also laughed when we told stories about his funny jokes or little treats he liked to give her. 

About a week after the funeral, we were looking at the DVD that the funeral home put together with his favorite music and family photos.  Watching that was extremely upsetting to her and she cried loudly and was inconsolable for a while.  It was like his passing really hit her like a ton of bricks.  But, after she calmed down, we were able to talk more and were there to support each other.   The most difficult thing to get your head around is that we’ll never see Grandpa again, and that is something that is never easy to swallow, no matter how much time passes.

Here are some tips we found useful when dealing with loss and explaining death to your child.  You may want to reach out to your child’s physician or a grief counselor for additional guidance.

• Always answer your child’s questions, but be sure to not over-explain and keep your answers age appropriate.
• Allow your child to grieve, but understand that for some real grief will be displayed at a later time – sometimes days, weeks or months later.
• Explain to your child that that death is a natural part of the life cycle – and it applies to all living things.
• Another helpful resource is Hospice, if you have that opportunity, when your loved one is ill.  They are a wonderful support when your loved one is ill and after he/she passes away.  Hospice always available to provide guidance and skills needed to deal with loss and grief, for the entire family. 
• Understand that your child may ask the same questions about death over and over again.
• If your child is having a very difficult time with the loss, reach out a counselor, therapist, pediatrician or another professional that is experienced with grief and loss.
• Here’s an interesting article regarding children and grief.  Hope you find it helpful.
• There are some excellent books on explaining loss to children.  Check out some titles at Amazon.com by searching below.

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By Steph, March 16, 2011 6:37 pm

I read this article from Business Week which talks about how a person’s mental decline can start years before Alzheimer’s Disease rears its ugly head.  Here’s an interesting excerpt from the article:

For the study, published in the March issue of Archives of Neurology, Wilson’s team evaluated information on 2,071 older adults without dementia who took part in two separate studies, including 1,511 who had no signs of cognitive impairment.

The participants were tested on specific cognitive functions such as working memory, perceptual speed and visuo-spatial ability.

During 16 years of follow-up, 462 people developed Alzheimer’s disease.

What an interesting study and statistic.  It seems like so many of the older folks we know have either Alzheimer’s or dementia, but it’s not always the case.

What are your thoughts about the article?

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By Steph, March 6, 2011 3:38 pm

Ever notice how the elderly loved ones in your life are creatures of habit?  I know ours sure are!  My husband and I have noticed this for a while, but thought a couple of few habits were quite interesting.  My friend, who has a “young” mom, couldn’t believe the creature of habit things we’ve experienced, so I thought they’d make for an interesting blog post.

• They must eat at the same time, every day, no matter what. If the clock strikes a certain hour, my mother-in-law will eat, specifically lunch at noon and dinner at 5pm.  It’s like clock-work, no pun intended.   If we are going to visit her to make sure she’s eating a meal, we must get there before noon or 5pm, or she eat without us (and she won’t remember we said we were coming for lunch or dinner).  One time we went out with the family for a late breakfast and we all had these huge omelets which were so filling. We got back to her house around noontime and she was insisting it was time to eat.  We were all so stuffed that we could barely move.   It seemed impossible that her stomach or her brain said she was hungry, but she had to eat. So, she had a ham sandwich and was satisifed.  Pretty amazing.
• A lot of elderly folks like to be home for a certain time and/or only want to visit for what seems to be about a 2 hour window.  We’ve seen this so many times that my husband will say that they’ll “turn into pumpkins” if they stay too long.  So, if we plan a function or party at our house, we need to make sure the main meal or festivities are held within that first 2 hours before we need to bring them home or they will be irritated until they are able to go home.
• They like the same clothes, shoes, brands of personal items, etc.  All of our elders seem to like the same types of clothes and shoes and such.  My mother-in-law has several of the same shirts and sweaters, and in different colors.  She has several pairs of the same exact shoes, because she likes them.  She usually never wants to mix things up and buys multiples of whatever she likes.  She received a really nice pajama set and robe for Christmas but won’t wear them, since they are not her typical bedtime clothing items.
• They often won’t want to try new things.  This is obviously because they like routine and the same things all the time.  They often won’t try new foods, new TV shows or any new things, since they are different from what they are used to.  I would often try to have  my father try new foods and he always resited, not just because he was a picky eater.  He would not try anything new, even if it was not adventurous in anyway.  Although one time I bought a new brand of potato chips that he frowned upon, since they weren’t his typical brand.  Later that month, I found he bought several bags of that “new” brand of chips and put them in the cupboard.  When I told him I noticed the chips he bought, he then admitted he did like the chips after all and so he stocked up on them when they were on sale! 

What things have you noticed about your elderly loved ones that they don’t like to change?

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By Steph, February 26, 2011 2:12 pm

My husband and I compiled our own list of the 10 warning signs of dementia and/or Alzheimer’s Disease.  This is not any type of “official” list or a list from a doctor.  It’s a list based on our own personal experiences of things we’ve seen with three of our parents who have gone through these issues.  If you happen to see one or more of these signs in your loved one, it’s best to make an appointment to see the doctor.

1. Repeating – This is one of the first things we started to notice.  Your loved one will tell the same story multiple times in a row, each time telling the story like it is the first time the listener is hearing it.  It’s most disturbing when the story is told over and over, within the same 10 minute conversation and they have no idea they’ve said it 2 or 3 times before.

2. Paranoia - Your loved one is thinking that others are talking about them, thinking that others are taking over their lives or making important desicions for them. Or, they think that people are stealing from them.  My father-in-law was really bad and thought people were “stealing his stuff.”  He even went so far as to go to a neighbor’s house to ask him why he stole his saw (the neighbor hadn’t taken it or even borrowed it).  Quite embarrassing.

3. Living in the Past – Your loved one starts believing that family or friends that have passed away are still with us or thinking that grown children are  adolescents or children.  They may start talking about past events like they are recent events.  My father-in-law went through a period of thinking my husband was a teenager.  He would reference dopey things my husband did as a kid as if he had done them recently…not even realizing he had done those things over 20 or 30 years ago!

4. Not Being Able to Grasp New Concepts – Your loved one may not be able to understand any form of technology, follow directions, etc.  My father was not great with technology, I mean, his VCR would blink “12:00″ all day long.  But it’s more alarming when you show them something new and there’s no way they can grasp it, even it’s something you’d think is simple like opening a folding chair or using a white board.

5. Losing Skills – Your loved one may no longer being able to do things that used to be second nature.    When they start to lose skills they previously had, especially skills they had for years or since childhood, this is an issue.   When we had an incident where my father-in-law did not know how to use tools, that was a huge warning sign, especially since he’d been a contractor and plumber for decades!

6. Confusion – Things like not knowing how to get home from the store, not knowing how to maneuver in a store, etc. (Regarding driving, see my previous post about elderly drivers.)   Or, basic tasks they’ve always done are newly confusing – such as being unable to read a calendar, unable to make change, unable to write a check, etc.  We once saw my mother-in-law trying to pour boiling water for tea into a plastic (not heat safe) cup instead of a mug.   Around the same time, she was found washing dishes with Windex instead of using dish soap.  When confronted about the Windex, she didn’t understand that putting harsh chemical on a dish she’d eat from was dangerous.

7. Ornery Behavior/Personality Changes – If your loved one starts acting in a way he or she never has, particularly if he or she seems more cranky or ornery, that may be a sign of a bigger cognitive issue.  We saw my father-in-law do this in the early stages of Alzheimer’s.  Previously, he was never someone who was cranky or mean, but he started to be really mean, spiteful and downright cruel sometimes.  Since this was very atypical behavior for him, so we knew this was a sign of something more serious.

8. Hygiene Issues - We saw this happen with all of our elders.  When you have relatives that always cared about their appearance and you see it decline, it’s a good sign there may be cognitive issue.  When nails are dirty and untrimmed, hair is greasy or unkempt and clothes are dirty or unwashed, this should be cause for concern.  (Side note: depression can also lead to “not caring” enough to bathe or dress propertly, so be sure you check for signs of depression as well.)

9. Loss of Interest in Hobbies/Apathy - This is something we’ve seen often in our elderly loved ones.  When he or she has a hobby or interest that almost abruptly goes away, this can often be a warning sign.  Also, if you see a previously active or social person just want to “sit” all day or do nothing, that can be scary.  Or, they might not care about anything anymore.  It’s almost like they’ve lost their purpose in life or reason to get up in my morning.

10. Far Away Look - That “far away” look is something we’ve seen often with our parents, not just from the folks on the Walking Dead.  When you first see your loved one almost look right through you, it can be a bit unsettling.  Then, sometimes, they just look in a direction, but they’re not really looking at anything.  It’s more than just daydreaming, it’s almost like they’re thinking of nothing.  This is a sign worth mentioning to your loved one’s doctor.

Do you have any others to add to this list?  Here’s the official list of Alzheimer’s warning signs from the Alzheimer’s Association’s website.

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By Steph, February 24, 2011 5:05 pm

In a previous post, I mentioned the recent segments on ABC News called Families on the Brink , regarding Baby Boomers and children caring for their aging parents.

As part of the series, Diane Sawyer hosted a roundtable on the subject with Virginia Morris, author of “How to Care for Aging Parents”; business guru Martha Stewart, who partnered with Mount Sinai to open an elder care center in 2007; and noted geriatricians Neil Resnick and Marie A. Bernard.

There are two additional segments that are worth viewing, check them out below: 

Watch: Families on the Brink: The Elderly and Driving

Watch: Families on the Brink: Prescription Problems

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By Steph, February 21, 2011 11:15 am

Here’s a really moving video from Penn Jillette talking about his elderly parents.  Take a look and let me know what you think.

Check it out here:

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By Steph, February 18, 2011 5:41 am

I found this great article on the HuffingtonPost.com which talks about some over the counter drugs that can cause memory loss. 

Whether you’re young or not-so-young, this list is important to review to see any drugs you are taking could possibly impair your memory.  Also, it’s important to talk about which over the counter drugs you’re taking with your doctor or pharmacist to see if there are any interactions between these drugs and your prescription medications.

Be sure to review this information with your elderly loved ones or take a moment to review both their prescription and over the counter medications.

And, as the article states, you should NOT stop taking any medications without first consulting your physician.

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By Steph, January 28, 2011 5:11 pm

Welcome to WeCareForElderlyParents.com.  We set up this blog to outline our trials and tribulations caring for our elderly parents.  We hope some of our experiences can help others going through this same situation.  It can be extremely stressful, but with the support of others, it is a bit easier!

Thanks for visiting!

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By Steph, January 29, 2011 10:11 am

I found this article yesterday on Yahoo.com via US News and World Report.  It talks about the ways to prevent Alzheimer’s Disease and dementia.  A lot of the stuff is common sense, but still solid advice.  Although I must admit, many of these things my father-in-law did and he still got Alzheimer’s.  Sometimes I think it’s also the (unfortunate) luck of the draw.

I have also heard other various prevention methods lately including taking coconut oil, drinking coffee and other herbal remedies.  And there’s always that talk of that Alzheimer’s vaccine coming soon.  Let’s hope that happens so this horrible disease can be prevented and, hopefully someday, eliminated.

Here’s the full article:

We all want to dodge the Alzheimer’s bullet.  And lucky us, Mother Nature has counterbalanced the power of our hard-wired genes by allowing multiple lifestyle choices to greatly influence our aging. Read: Your destiny is not fated; you do have some control. Yes, genes are powerful forces, but they “are not even the dominant factor” for the vast majority of people, says Paul Thompson, professor of neurology at the University of California-Los Angeles School of Medicine. Here are some actionable factors that can help your brain stay healthy over the long term.

1. Physical Activity

Research from the University of Illinois has suggested that regular aerobic activity—like running, walking, or bicycling, which require oxygen to produce energy—may do a better job of protecting brain function than nonaerobic activity, which does not recruit oxygen and uses short bursts of motion (golf, tennis, and lifting weights). Reaping the cognitive benefits of pumping oxygen- and sugar-rich blood to the brain won’t require high intensity exercise, says William Thies, chief medical and scientific officer of the Alzheimer’s Association. The Alzheimer’s Association advises picking activities you like and doing them regularly for at least 30 minutes a day.

2. Weight Control

The heavier a person is, the more likely he or she may be to develop Alzheimer’s. Thompson published research that found that the brains of older individuals who were obese (with a body mass index over 30) had approximately 8 percent less brain volume than subjects of normal weight (BMI between 18.5 and 25). When brain-volume loss reaches about 10 percent, Thompson says, symptoms like memory trouble or confusion appear. Earlier studies have suggested that people who are obese in midlife have a threefold increased risk of developing Alzheimer’s, and those who are overweight (considered a BMI between 25 and 30) have a twofold increased risk. This is due, at least in part, to the fact that with added pounds, fat gets deposited in the brain and narrows blood vessels that deliver fuel, Thompson theorizes. Over the long term, brain cells die and vital connections and volume are lost.

3. Mental Challenges

No, it’s not just about doing sudoku—though puzzles do fall into the category. The brain’s ability to reorganize neural pathways with new information or experiences means it’s regularly changing; we can even generate new brain cells. But you need to work it. The general guideline, says Neil Buckholtz, chief of the dementias of aging branch at the National Institute on Aging, is regularly engaging in “some kind of new learning that challenges you.” No one knows exactly what works, though population research has shown that having more years of formal education seems to be protective. Folks with lots of schooling can still get Alzheimer’s, but the disease may appear later. From that, some extrapolate that lifelong curiosity and learning may have benefits.

4. Social Connections

Research has found that people with larger social networks, while they had similar amounts of the plaques and tangles of Alzheimer’s as did more isolated people, were less affected cognitively. And separate research suggests that psychological distress over the long term significantly raises a person’s risk of developing Alzheimer’s. Thies predicts that science will eventually reveal that “this kind of interaction stimulates the brain to make new connections” that perhaps help compensate for decline. To get a threefer, try learning the intricate steps of the tango in a dance class with your friends.

5. Healthy Diet

“What we have pretty good evidence for is that a diethigher in vegetables and lower in fat is [protective,]” explains Thies. While the evidence doesn’t offer up any recipes for success, the general recommendation is to get plenty of veggies and fruits with dark skins, like spinach, beets, red bell peppers, onions, eggplants, prunes, blackberries, strawberries, red grapes, oranges, and cherries, according to the Alzheimer’s Association. Some evidence suggests green, leafy cruciferous vegetables, in particular, are helpful. Eating fish high in omega-3 fatty acids may be beneficial. So may some nuts, such as almonds, walnuts, and pecans, that have high levels of vitamin E, an antioxidant. Research published in the Archives of Neurologysuggested that the Mediterranean diet appears to be protective against Alzheimer’s. Some animal research has shown that curcumin, which is in the curry spice turmeric, suppresses the buildup of beta-amyloid, a main component in the harmful plaques in the Alzheimer’s-afflicted brain.

6. Chronic Disease Control

Buckholtz notes that “high blood pressure in old age is a very strong risk factor for developing Alzheimer’s later on, but if you can keep the blood pressure down, that decreases your risk.” And a study published in the journal Dementia & Geriatric Cognitive Disorders found that people in their 40s who had mildly elevated cholesterol were at greater risk of developing Alzheimer’s later in life. A sizable body of evidence suggests that type 2 diabetes and heart disease affect the brain and perhaps the development or severity of Alzheimer’s.

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By Steph, January 30, 2011 7:34 am

One of the most difficult things you can do is take the car away from an aging parent or elderly loved one.  Whether he or she has Alzheimer’s, dementia, has poor vision or slow reflexes, there often comes a time when your loved one can no longer drive.  If he or she has one of those “I confused the gas pedal and the brake” accidents, that’s also usually a clear sign it’s time to take the car keys away.

Typically, your elderly parent won’t comprehend that it’s time to give up driving.  Especially if they are not clear mentally, he or she will think they are more than capable of driving.  That’s the hardest to deal with.  When my father-in-law’s Alzheimer’s Disease was still in the early stages, he drove less and less, usually with his wife and usually only locally (in his hometown, the town he’d lived in his whole life).  We had a couple situations where we had to call the police since he was “lost.”  The last time he drove before we took away his car keys, he got lost driving to the post office, which is a very short distance from home.  He was gone for hours and we feared he was lost forever.   It was so stressful and upsetting.  Luckily, he found his his way home.  However, this episode was clear evidence that he could no longer drive.

Because it was not so easy to reason with him, and he was not aware he was unable to drive, we had to be a bit delicate in the way this was handled.   We took the keys away and, at the time, my mother-in-law was sound mentally, so she was able to control things, hide the keys and not allow him to drive.  For this period of time, she was able to do the driving for the both of them.  The hardest part was when he’d see the car in the garage or if she drove him somewhere.  He would say “where’s the car?” or “what’s the matter, can’t I drive?” and we’d have to explain that he could not any longer.   Sometimes to change things up, we did say his doctor no longer allowed him to drive, or that he no longer had a driver’s license.  Both were true, actually.  My mother-in-law was able to drive for a while but when she herself had one of those “I confused the gas pedal and the brake” minor fender-benders, she admitted that she, too, was unable to drive.  She voluntarily gave up driving (that was easy!).  We sold the car a while afterward, which was helpful, since the car was out of sight, out of mind.  It wasn’t a constant reminder to my father-in-law that he could no longer drive.

So, how do you approach your parent or loved one when they are no longer able to drive?  Well, it can certainly depend on his or her mental state and their capacity to understand the situation. If it’s more of a physical impairment but he or she is mentally sound, explaining why driving is no longer safe is far easier.  However, if your loved one is suffering from dementia, Alzheimer’s or any other type of mental impairment, no matter how you explain it, it may not get through for a long time.   Redirecting him or her to another subject often works well.  Don’t argue or become combative.  That will only upset your loved one (and you, too!).   It took my father-in-law literally years to stop asking about the car and when he could drive.  Eventually he did drop the subject, but that was years after he was no longer driving.

So, who should tell your loved one that driving is no longer possible?  If your loved one has one of those people they trust or respect the most – his or her doctor, a trusted friend, a “favorite” relative, that person that can “do no wrong,” etc., this may be the person to initially broach the subject and explain what is happening.  Not that your loved one will take it well, but if they are hearing it from someone that is trusted, the conversation can go a bit smoother.  And, if you’re able to take the car and remove it from the premises (if there are no other family members that are driving) that will help tremendously.

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By Steph, February 5, 2011 6:33 am

One thing my husband and I hear all the time from people is how they “feel so bad” for us because we’ve had so many elder care issues to deal with in the past 10 years.  They give you those sad, puppy dog eyes. 

We aren’t the types to drown in self-pity, but once in a while, it can get you down.

The biggest issue that makes our situation a bit different is that we are WAY younger than most people who are caring for their aging parents.  Coincidentally, my husband and I are each the youngest of three children.  Our parents were much, much older when they had each of us.  I remember my parents being 10-20 years older than most of my friends’ parents.  So, the fact that we’ve had to deal with these elder care issues at what may be considered a “younger age” is a bit of a surprise to a lot of people.

We know people who are in their 50s, 60s and 70s dealing with these same elder care issues…their parents are the same ages are ours, which makes things weird.  They’re caring for their parents yet their own children are grown, and some even have grandchildren; we have a kid in First Grade.  Way different…

My husband said to me when we were dating that he always knew that he’d have to care for his parents.  Because his siblings moved out of state after college, he knew this would be his responsibility since he was the only child that was local.  But, boy, we never could have predicted all that we would have to deal with in the years ahead.

We have friends whose parents are “young grandparents” who can help care for the grandkids, pick them up from school, take them to Disney, take the grandkids overnight, etc.  Our daughter has never had that type of relationship with her grandparents.  She has always known that they have had various health and cognitive issues, and, for example, she is not able to sleep over at Grandma’s house because Grandma really is not well enough to keep an eye on her.  Poor kid doesn’t know what she’s missing.

Why am I telling you all of this?  Well, because most people think that those caring for aging parents are from the Baby Boomer generation, but many of us are from Generation X or even Generation Y.  We are here to support all families dealing with elder care issues.  We can relate!  Can you?

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By Steph, February 1, 2011 6:01 pm

When you are caregiver for your aging parents, the experience is valuable and you learn a lot.   Some of our biggest difficulties have been when we have had to take some type of medical or legal action for our parents, and the proper planning had not taken place.  Here are the top 5 lessons we’ve learned by being elder caregivers:

1. Document your medical preferences.  It’s important to document what you want and don’t want (e.g., do you wish to be on life support?), the sooner, the better.  Don’t wait until you’re a certain age to prepare a living will, health care proxy or other important medical decision documents.  We’ve dealt with situations where we needed to make decisions for our loved ones.  My father had my brother and I named as Attorneys-in-Fact, under a Power of Attorney (POA), but this particular POA didn”t specifically mention health care decisions.  We almost had to apply for guardianship, which would have been difficult to acquire, due to his poor physical and mental health.
2. Get your other legal affairs in order.  This means your will, guardianship decisions for your children, etc.  Don’t put that off either.  And always name a secondary person as your Executor/Executrix (or Personal Representative, as it’s called in some States).  If you name one person and that individual is no longer able to take on this responsibility, it could prove problematic.  Speak to an attorney to prepare the necessary documents.
3. For those who own a home, be sure to take care of protecting your biggest asset.   Speak to an attorney to see who should be listed on the deed – should you have it listed in a trust or should you have multiple people listed on the deed?  Should you apply for a homestead exemption?  These are important things to discuss with a legal professional, well before it’s necessary, and especially if you ever need to enter any type of long term care facility.
4. You may want to think about purchasing long term care insurance. The costs (today) for a month in a nursing home or rehab facility are around $9000.00 USD a month, and are most often not covered by health insurance after a certain period of time.  The costs are only going to rise.  If you were to need such care, the monthly fee could quickly deplete any cash or assests you may have.  Speak to a financial services professional (preferably fee based, not commission based, as Suze Orman recommends) to see if this option is best for you and your family.
5. Although it’s listed last, I think it’s the most imporant lesson – don’t wait until later to do the things you want in life.  Whether it’s traveling, starting a business, taking up woodcarving, or some other dream, don’t wait to do it until you retire or say that you’ll do it ”someday.”  Sometimes that “someday” never comes.  We’ve (unfortunately) seen that happen all too often with our elderly parents.

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By Steph, February 11, 2011 8:56 pm

I found this interesting article regarding a new blood test that may soon be available.  It could prove promising in detecting Alzheimer’s Disease.  It talks about how this test may be able to detect the disease early and could be used in patients over age 50 and part of a regimen for early detection such as PSA (prostate) blood tests and mammograms.

The problem with Alzheimer’s is that it’s usually detected when the disease is in its early or mid-stages and is harder to manage the later it is discovered.  If there was a way to detect it early, maybe there could be more successful treatments for this awful disease.

Feel free to post any comments you have after reading this article.

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By Steph, February 7, 2011 7:00 pm

ABC News has an excellent series called Families on the Brink, which talks about the crisis of caring for your aging parents.  This problem is going to become larger as the oldest of the Baby Boomers are starting to turn 65 this year.

This particular installment talks about when it’s time for your parent or parents to no longer live at home.  It’s a difficult situation, but the video is quite insightful.  View the video below:

Discussing with your parents when it is time for them to leave home.

For us, the situation varied depending on which parent(s) we were dealing with at that time.  The conversation usually doesn’t go well.  For example, my in-laws really should have sold their home 8-10 years ago (especially during the housing boom) and moved to a nice senior community or Assisted Living facility.  Neither of them wanted any part of it.  At different times they’d each say “I want to die in my house.”  It was extremely stressful.  By the time we had my in-laws do a 30 day trial at a wonderful Assisted Living facility, my father-in-law was far too gone to live in that type of environment.  It turns out about 8 months later, he was hospitalized and then had to be moved to an Alzheimer’s Care facility.  My mother-in-law did not want to stay at Assisted Living, much to our dismay.

Hopefully your discussion of this issue with your aging parent or loved one is more successful than ours.  Planning ahead for this move, the sooner you can, does make the transition easier, especially if you can have these discussions with your loved ones when they are of sound mind.

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By Steph, February 15, 2011 6:39 pm

If your parents (or grandparents) are married, there may be Social Security benefits available to the surviving spouse or other qualified family member after the first spouse passes away.

First, there is the one-time Social Security death benefit payout to the surviving spouse (currently at $255).  The one-time benefit works like this, as stated on the ssa.gov website: 

A one-time payment of $255 is payable to the surviving spouse if he or she was living with the beneficiary at the time of death, OR if living apart, was eligible for Social Security benefits on the beneficiary’s earnings record for the month of death.

If there is no surviving spouse, the payment is made to a child who was eligible for benefits on the beneficiary’s earnings record in the month of death.

Also, there is an adjustment to the monthly Social Security benefits received after one of the spouses passed away. Typically, the spouse that has the higher monthly benefit will be paid to the surviving spouse after one of them passes away.  It’s important to find out about these benefits to see what you or your family member may be eligible to receive.  Learn more about the monthly benefits here.